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Jeff's First Day at TCU

February 18, 2016

 

I know this song! I know this song! I’m having one of those weird dreams where you’re dreaming about a song and then you wake up and the song is playing. “Baby Got Back.” A classic. I kind of just want to lie here in bed and listen to it, but I crack my eyes open and, yeah, it’s my alarm. Damn. First day of college, and I just want to go for a ride in my Mercedes.

 

Then I remember: I have a roommate. I slap the alarm clock with martial-art speed and it goes silent. I glance over at Tom, passed out under a pillow. At least I hope he’s passed out and not just trying to block out my jam.

 

I climb out from underneath my pile of t-shirts and mosey on over to the sink, turning on the water as quietly as I can. Tom’s got another hour to sleep…lucky bastard. I try to brush my teeth, and I notice him shifting under the sheets. I quickly shut off the water and look at my face in the mirror. Stubble, lots of it. And shaving will probably wake him up. Tom said he’s pretty grouchy in the mornings, so I’m kind of afraid to make any noise. And you know what? That stubble isn’t too bad. In fact, I bet I’d look pretty sweet with a beard.

 

Razors and shaving cream fall in the trash. Problem solved.

 

I move like a cat burglar getting dressed, eyes on Tom at all times. I feel like Marcy must have when she was a psycho stalker, and it gives me a rush. A couple of cold Dews from the mini-fridge go in my backpack and I slide out that door. Total Comet stealth.

 

Well, it’s the first day of school, and I don’t think these Rollerblades were such a good idea. Too many people, and none of them are getting out of the way. That means I’m going to have to walk everywhere, which means I have to get up earlier. Not much earlier, but still. I pop out of the skates, pop into my earphones, and make my way to Freshman Comp I.

 

I lean back all casual and cool in my chair, like I own the place, but really I’m just as nervous as everyone else. Nobody’s looking at anyone. All eyes facing front or dropped to desks. I notice everyone has a textbook, and then I notice it’s an English textbook. How’d they know what to buy? Oh, man, I hope we don’t have to use the textbook today – I’ll look like an idiot.

 

Then I notice that my fly is down, and my underwear is sticking out.

 

The teacher comes in, looking all stuffy and dull. He passes something out, something called a syllabus. He he…silly bus. I space out for a minute, and when I come back, everyone’s glued to the silly bus while this guy talks in this voice that makes me want to go back to sleep. I start looking it over, and I start shrinking in my desk. This thing’s got the whole semester on it! Like, all the assignments, all the due dates – everything! To a normal person that’s probably pretty good. Probably helps with planning and stuff. To me…it just looks like I got a ton of shit dumped in my crapper all at once.

 

And then there’s that whole section about plagiarism – that scares me the most. I mean, I’m not going to cheat. But somehow, I just know I’m gonna be the guy who plagiarizes by accident.

 

TCU – one. Me – zero.

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